So You Think You're Funny

I do. I really do. I think I'm funny.  

Like telling jokes funny. Like COMEDIAN funny.   I'm constantly making myself laugh with funny and PUNNY things, and will forever endeavor to entertain my lucky listeners. . . and prove my comedic CHOPS to the disbelieving.  Watch out, SNL. Lorne Michaels, your next big talent is a 41 year old mother of four.  Believe the hype.

Sadly, I'm the only one who holds this opinion. 

Case in point: 

ME:  My face is so red, I'll need to wear a beekeeper's hat tomorrow. With a full-on veil. This face needs to be hidden for the foreseeable future.  I may scare small children. Including my own.  

This is what I'm talkin' about.

BONUS KID:  I don't know what that is, but I will pretend that I do.  

OWEN:  You should talk to so-and-so's mom. She's the beekeeper at school.  

ME:  Huh?  Really?  They keep bees at school? 

OWEN:   Yup.  Tons of them. 

ME:  Wow. How do I not know this?  (Wait for it. . . going in for the KILL. . . )

I bet they are mostly found in the 8th grade.  

CRICKETS.

ME:  Get it?  In the 8th grade? 

MORE CRICKETS.

OWEN:   Ohhh!  I get it now! 

ME:  See!!!  That was funny!  They are mostly in the 8th grade because 8th graders are so buggy!! 

OWEN:  Ah, no. I thought it was because the 8th graders mostly got B's.  

JASON:  That's what I thought, too.  

ME:  Either way......funny, right? 

CRICKETS YET AGAIN.

OWEN:  Uh, not really.

JASON:  No. Not funny.  

ME:  I didn't say I was a comedian!

JASON:  Yeah. We know.  

I say bees, you say B's.

Whatever, man.

Me and Rodney Dangerfield.  I GET NO RESPECT.  NONE. 

Clearly, these people can't recognize TALENT when it is staring them STRAIGHT IN THE FACE. With or without the beekeeper's helmet.